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Parenting can be trying, to say the least. Despite the age or temperament of your child, we parents are who guide them through adolescence and into adulthood. It is a big job, and it is a task that we must take very seriously. We want to raise responsible people that will be good citizens and neighbors- loving human beings that will takeover the reigns from us one day. This is no small task. No, it is a full-time job really. This is a responsibility that we must regard with our constant attention and care.
There are five things that I think all parents should include in their parenting approach. These are common sense really, but sometimes common sense goes out the window when dealing with screaming munchkins at your side bickering about whose turn it is to sit in the front seat of the car. Every parent must have a strategy. I have incorporated five principals into my approach to parenting. These concepts are not new ones, but often the forgotten ones. Most parents find that sometimes their judgement gets clouded when in the midst of a tug of war with their child. I hope that these help to make sense of your next battle.
Be Firm
Always follow through with your threats. Many parents don't, and their child learns to escape punishment or still obtain rewards this way. If you tell junior that there will be no TV tonight unless he cleans up his room, feeds the dog, or does whatever chore you have planned for him, and he doesn't, you must stick to your words. Many parents give in much too easily. Even if there is a party or event planned that they want to attend, be firm. They can't go unless they do the chore that they were supposed to do. This is where so many parents buckle.
Say for example that little Suzy has plans to see a movie with her friends. You tell Suzy to finish her science project before the big day. She procrastinates and does not finish the project in time. What should you do? Well, you should tell her that the movie outing is off. I know it is so hard to disappoint our children, but ultimately life will disappoint them if they do not learn to restrain themselves. If you still allow her to go, you are reinforcing your consent for her to put school matters off until later. You are also enabling her to procrastinate. As parents, it is our responsibility to be firm.
Be Specific
We must be very clear at all times. You may have told your child not to hit his brother or sister, but you said nothing about kicking him. What does your child do? Kick his or her brother. This is something that our kids many times remind us about when they are caught. "You didn't say that!" they yell. If you want your child to walk directly home after school don't tell them just that. Tell them that they are not to stop along the way, talk to anyone, and go anywhere but home for no reason whatsoever. This is clarity. Your wishes will become crystal clear to your child. Clarity is very important when discussing drugs and sex with your child. Make it very clear what your expectations are, and make your viewpoints known to your child.
Many kids engage in behavior with which parents do not agree, for the simple reason that parents never shared this with their children. Our kids are not mind readers. They want and need to know what their parents think about these important issues. Also be as objective as you can about both sex and drugs. Stories are a great way to explain what views you have about these very important topics.
Be Consistent
If you always punish a certain behavior in a certain way, your child will learn to abstain from the activity that you don't approve of him or her doing. For example, if Billy doesn't do his homework, he is grounded for two days. This is always the case, no matter what. Being consistent can sometimes be hard for a parent, but it is necessary for instilling values and responsibility into our children. When we become too lenient, we allow our kids to walk all over our rules and us. I am guilty of this too sometimes. I think that all parents are, but if we try to be as consistent as possible, our kids will thank us for it later.
Be Fair
Being fair is key in building a healthy self-esteem level. Build your children up and never tear them down. How you talk to your child determines how they respond to you. Always try to be objective. Steer clear of judgmental statements, generalizations, and put-downs. Never chastise your children by calling them names. Never belittle them in front of others or even one-on-one. This is not only the worse thing for their self-esteem, but this can also instill resentment into your son or daughter.
Be Encouraging
When your son or daughter is proud of an achievement, tell them how proud that you are of their accomplishment. Look at them in the eye and congratulate them. No matter what your child's age or accomplishment, if they worked hard, then give them your approval. Get excited! Many times parents just give an absent nod and a quick bark of "Nice Job" or "That's Good", but they never even look their child in the eyes. By maintaining eye contact and verbalizing your pleasure, they will see that they really do matter. They will understand just how proud you are.
By using these five techniques to strengthen your parenting style, you will instill a healthy self-esteem in your child, not merely an over-inflated ego. You will also encourage your children to become responsible for their actions. These tips can also help you to discipline those parenting problems with much more ease and flexibility. I know we are always looking for a new approach to parenting our child. Hopefully these common sense approaches will help you do just that.
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