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When nationally honored educator, author and parenting columnist Dolores Curran set out to discover the key factors in effective families, the very top rated skill named in hundreds of surveys returned was Communication and Listening. Children and parents agreed, talking and listening on the same wave length meant fewer snags in the relationships, more respect among the generations and a better atmosphere in the home.
Curran and other family experts agree on several factors that play into good communication skills. Probably the number one factor is LISTENING.
Listening skills can't be easily learned, but so easily put into practice. People who get paid to listen, such as therapists, bartenders, barbers and beauticians, know that for one thing, they must be still while the speaker talks, in order to engage a listening ear. Secondly, they must “attend” to the speaker, that is, show some interest by their non-verbal expression, such as leaning a bit forward in their chair, or making eye contact at least. Any parent who is not guilty of hiding behind a newspaper or book as a child explains his or her latest woe with playmates or worries about school social life is just plain kidding himself.
And any teen-ager who claims not to have ignored a parent pleading with a son or daughter about safety issues when using the family car or going to a party has a head in the clouds. Attending the speaker physically is just the beginning, though. Besides making ourselves present to the one speaking, we need also to make sure our mind is clear and on the person, that we’re not already preparing our response while the speaker is still talking, and especially, that we don’t leap into a REACTION that cuts off all communication or worse, INTERRUPTS them before they’re finished.
Curran uses the example of a young man saying to his father, “I’m worried about going to college. I don’t think I can do it.”
“That’s silly,” says the father, or some such reactive statement, ignoring the son’s very normal feelings.
Picture the son making the same statement and the father responding with, “Why would you think that?”
The son might answer, “Well, I might flunk out—it’s scary.”
“Yeah,” the father might respond, “I remember feeling that way, too.” And on they go, with the conversational journey rolling. That’s good communication.
Anytime we can RESPOND rather than REACT to communication, whether between adults, or with adult-child, we gain in communications.
Notice that the dad in the second illustration didn’t hesitate to share his own foibles, either. Past experience tells us that whenever we are willing to tell of an error of our own, or a weakness, or a chink in our armor, we are more respected, more believed than ever, except possibly, in the world of politics. And being open with our own stories and especially ourown feelings is definitely a bonding method. Our kids, our spouse will know who we are and care more about us when we admit how human we are. Why we should hesitate to do so is a curiosity of our humanness, one that should be struck down with fervor. How many sons watch their father sgo to their graves commenting that “We never really talked,” or “I never really knew him?”
LISTENING WITH THE HEART helps, too. The father who hears the fear in his son’s voice, who asks “WHY?” the son might be feeling that way is probing for more, looking for a feeling level in the conversation. Knowing a person’s feelings helps us know the person herself. And the more we know one another in a family, the more affection we have for one another. Marriage specialist David Mace says that several family studies conclude that affirming the good qualities we find in one another is a critical cohesive factor in most good families. From affection comes affirmation. And from affirmation comes self-esteem.
SELF-ESTEEM is built on good communication skills in a family because a child learns of his capabilities from what the rest of the family tells him of himself. If the family is too busy, bored or self-absorbed to tell the child anything, or to show the child affection, or offer affirmation, the child fails to be nurtured. We’re not talking here about idle parroting of comments like “You’re good, Joey. You’re handsome. You’re perfect, you’re wonderful.” Such random, possibly unfounded compliments are not necessarily the basis of building self-esteem. Rather, sound, nurturing parenting, which builds self-confidence, points out skills and strengths and makes a child aware of his worth, is.
This kind of SELF_ESTEEM must be communicated. Jean Ilsey Clarke, adult educator and trainor of transactional analysts says in her book, Self Esteem—A Family Affair, “People who have positive self-esteem know that they are lovable and capable, and they care about themselves and other people.” And that message is learned in a family—through good communication!
On a practical level, communication in a family begs for bulletin boards, calendars, chore charts and message boards in these days of super- activated scheduling. At least knowing who will be where when is a good beginning to clearing some family time for talking and listening together. And experts agree that one of the best times for gathering in for solid family communication is around the dinner table.
In days past, it was easy to get the family together at one time to eat. The meal was prepared over a long period of time, Dad came home, kids were there from school, mom put out the meal, and everybody ate. Now everybody is returning, or leaving, at different times. Several different people may be responsible for preparing the meal, or each may be preparing her own. It is crucial, vital, imperative, that each family find some meal times each week to sit together around the family table. Make some dinner hours irrevocably sacred time.
If parents respect and honor that time, and approach it with happiness, humor, nurturing and eagerness, eventually the younger generation will, too.
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